I really am sick of my mood!

These few days,matters just came straight away to me. So many problems at one time. Can you imagine how many shots i have been shot?

*~ 1st, i was being blamed by my mum. Not only blame, but being yelled by her once i put my first step out from the room. Seriously, i did nothing wrong and i got the blames from her. I felt that i am innocent, i am not the one should be blamed as i am not the one who does the mistakes. Way to innocent...

*~ 2nd, i really am stressful for waiting my results. Mood swings.

*~ 3rd, lots of matters came out together for this case. When i am angry and upset, i choose not to talk because when i talk, i will burst out the fire in me. If i really can't hold back the fire in me, i will just burst, which is not not not good (don't learn from me!).

For this case, it is related to my ex. EX is about history and i always know it. I am not jealous as i have no rights to be and also, he is just my ex. My boy friend is already"dead" for almost 3 months. I clearly know that he will not come back to me anymore. How can a dead person stay alive, unless miracles happen. I just want my ex to be sincere to me, like friends' trust. He came out with many matters and all he can say is " you know i am not sure about it...", "you know i am not good in..." and so on. After so many hints given, telling him to be true in himself, act like a man, ... He just doesn't get it. I don't want to be straight forward because i know it cuts, i try to be slow, it never help out.

Just tell me, if normal friends, can he let a "NORMAL" girl friend to view his private profile? Can he keep on talking non stop like in love with the "NORMAL" girl friend? He said he might cook for the "NORMAL" girl friend after he has the car. I don't seem him saying that when i am his gf. After we quarrel, he still can phone his "NORMAL" girl friend and talk about matters and tell her not to tell me about the call. Is this call sincere for acting he doesn't know anything?

He said i am his good friend, but, i don't see any different in between his good friends and normal friends. He said he "seriously want me back" and this is what i get from him. He asked, why don't i trust him? Now, i can answer, he makes me not to trust him. I want to and always trust him full if i could, but, every time, he just let me down. Even the last trust for yesterday just vanished into the thin air after knowing the call that he didn't sincerely say out. If he is in love with the girl, just go for her and tell me like a man Of course, i can say nothing as i am a good friend of him only. I think i deserve to know a bit more than NORMAL friends.

Because of this incident, things i don't want to recall came back to me in the midnight. Thinking all the bad memories i had. I can remember clearly, before i could let go, he has turn to another girl, giving sweet talking. I told him i will 100% let go of him in the end of December, and he does all he likes, without being considerate. Nevermind for me now, instead of waiting till December, i will let go out him now, since he wants it so much. All the matters he said, all turn to lies, lies, lies and LIES!

That is why i wrote this: I try to slow down as possible, but, you speed. This is what i can see i can never slow down, EVER AGAIN!

I know i am done too much for my anger yesterday, and i did say sorry. However, i pulled back because of another incident popped out, again. I really am tired...

I want my old life back! All the other matters, i don't want to care anymore. I am just his normal friend from now on. What he likes and dislikes, i can care no more and i don't want to tire myself to know the matters as well. I don't gain any benefits in the end of the day. Still, I don't mind to help him though i have so many complains about him. When he needs help, i will still help if i can manage. Though some of my friends said i am foolish, but, i will just help because i don't want the others to suffer like i am.

I can never say out words directly, therefore, i prefer to give hints. All the words i meant, will no longer to be useful even the things have changed, when i have said out the words. Because i somehow feel that it is not sincere. However, it is better than one does nothing.

I just want to go back to my life like the old days, sweet memories, good friends, and my happy life.

To that particular person i am saying, i am sorry to write these out. You can hate me, i don't mind. This is all i can do to destress as there is no one else i can trust anymore. All of them have betrayed me for once. When there is once, there will be twice. I rather keep everything to myself.